Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Ghost of Mayhem Part II

or: odds and ends from 2009

The drought of aughts is officially over here at the end of aught-nine as we find ourselves in a rainfall surplus by a monster 20 inches in Chattanooga and 13 inches in Knoxville. The deluge after deluge of Fall aught-nine will live long in the hearts and minds of the jib jedi masters, for the gratitude and appreciation to the great wet blanket is amplified following such an arid beast.

The month of May held many good festivals. Below is the Burrow amidst the ill will of drunk tank on the Beast of the East: Linville Gorge.

It was a fine day in the dramatic canyon. Warm temperatures, good vibrations, and Taylor even found some leftover libations near Cave. Here is Mr Adams dropping out of Cathedral Gorge. What Majesty!

It was discovered in a previous year. Below the 2009 Jimicup Champion fishes with Gandhi while a few zombies await their turn in the depths.

The heat of the summer boiled our brains and our resin. Below is the grand master of Ragnaroks wiring up the first of six new glass stallions.

Behold! I need no stinking respirator! Mikey laying it down while gettin up.

Beware! Gualey 2010. The riders of the glass apocolypse shall be released from their lair. Blinded by the intense blaze of metal flake, the people will paddle helplessly into the shores to escape their wrath. The suns rays will be blackened by the submersion of the world in dark waters. The battle of the doomed gods will commence:
"Brothers will fight
and kill each other,
sisters' children
will defile kinship.
It is harsh in the world,
whoredom rife
—an axe age, a sword age
—shields are riven—
a wind age, a wolf age—
before the world goes headlong.
No man will have
mercy on another"

The Grand Canyon is indescribable. Here are 1000 futile words:

Though it hurts to remember, I will not soon forget the spiritual power of the river and its canyon. We laid to rest a true jedi master in the waters of Lava Falls. Forever he remains in our hearts and minds, and he is immortalized in all that he has left behind.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

A Christmas Miracle

We awoke from our slumber to find water flowing through Sitton's Gulch.

We headed up to get in a quick run before getting back to spending time with our families. The Dode was a bit ahead of us but we had high hopes of catching up with them. We didn't quite make it in time to set shuttle with them but tricked Burrow into waiting on us at the take out. We got on our gear and Broiler realized he forgot his helmet. He rode up the mountain with us to drive the car back to the bottom when low and behold what should he find in the back of the truck sitting at the put in? A helmet! We all got on the river met up with Dode, Full Throttle and Adam just below Big Bang and had a great Christmas run on Bear Creek.

Mach 3 with your hair on fire:
A Dode Throwback

Friday, November 13, 2009


Lack of updates... but not for a lack of doing. There has been pedal biking, squirting, creeking, deer slaying and working going on.

Ocoee Squirt Gathering from LVM 32 from Lunch Video Magazine on Vimeo.

Read about this trip and see photos at Full Throttle
This has been a great season for Bear Creek, arguably one of the best creeks in the SE if not the nation.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Race Report or "how to attempt to sabotage your own race"

Joe, Javid and I keeping the race moving along.
photo from

I haven't done much pedal bike racing this year. PMBAR, a SERC event at my local trails and the BMW River Gorge Omnium (Road Race, Time Trial and Criterium).

The interested reader can scroll down and read about our epic day of riding in Pisgah during the PMBAR event.
My friend and now pro mountain bike racer James Williams came into town for a visit and urged me to race the SERC event at Raccoon Mountain. I did my best to sabotage my own race by 1. racing in the single speed class, 2. changing my 20t cog for a 19t cog before the race 3. converting my tires to tubeless the night before the race. 4. drinkin' brews
None of these efforts resulted in a mechanical allowing me to leave the 96 degree F race course for some shade, water and more brews. I finished the race in 10th place. I think it took about 3 hours of solid water consumption before I could pee and probably a good week to get re-hydrated again.
I continued NOT training by sleeping late, staying up late, working on my house and drinking throughout the rest of the season.

As the River Gorge event crept up on me, I tried to increase my riding but it was really to late to accomplish anything other than to convince myself I could at least ride the race course without having to stop for a break. The Grubbs brothers, Corey Hall and I went for a ride on the course. We pounded out the first 2/3 rds fast, when we hit the stair step I fell off the back. This was enough to realize I need to upgrade my fitness. After resisting as best I could, using my poor performance as an excuse, Javid and Joe got me to sign up with promises to pull me the whole way to the base of the big climb up Racoon Mountain. Instead we were at the front of the race, driving the pace some and making poor attempts to attack on the flats. Big bad Randy was even going to pull us through the flats but I never saw him again until the Crit on Sunday.
At the start of the final climb I got out front and held as long as I could, finally a group of 10 passed me and slowly widened the gap between me and them. At the second to last steep pitch I picked off a rider. Joe caught up with me on the short down hill but I was able to accelerate past him up the last pitch to the finish for 9th. The time trial started about 4 hours later, we had some time to relax. The brothers Grubbs and I went back to my house to eat pizza, drink some beer and watch Army of Darkness, the third movie in the Evil Dead series. I think I read somewhere that this was the proper way to prepare for a time trial.
After we finished our beers we headed back up to the mountain for the time trial. I was the first one off. My legs felt weary from the road race and I thought it would have been nice to have a TT bike to allow me to utilize some different muscles, but it also gave me strong sense of pride to be one of the few racing cannibal style. Just as I started a storm was starting to roll in, there were some good winds in front of the storm as rolled in. I like to think that being slower than last years time was a result of the winds but it could have been the Evil Dead or maybe the beer. I missed 10th place by about 1 second. Joe was wearing his funny helmet as he passed his 30 second man, Javid, for second place.
Sunday morning was the criterium race. It was mine and Javid's first race of this kind. I was concerned that some sketchy bike handling CAT 5 racer was going to take me out, but for the most part everyone raced smooth. There were a few fresh legs out there, mostly Team Krystal riders who looked like they weren't the type that would have enjoyed the climbing on the road course. The pace was good, throughout. They had enough primes to keep the sprints going. Joe won at least two of them. I got out in the front after one of the primes because the pace was slowing too much and pulled the group around . I think Randy got away with 1 or 2 laps to go and Team Krystal slowed the pace down effectivly blocking, I didn't even realize he was away. I was caught up in the middle of the pack. I should have been up front for the last 3 laps, then I may have been able to do something. I came in with the pack and sprinted for 9th place, almost being taken at the line but was just able to hold the other rider off.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Eight Days in the Middle Kings

Leisure Tour '09

Gambling on the dates that the water would be good we bought plane tickets to Fresno (shizblarnigan #1) to set out for the Middle Fork of the Kings. We almost got the flow right this time. After paddling the river at high water in 2005 (the flow peaked at 2200 cfs on the Roger's Crossing gauge) we were looking for a low water descent. Hoping to put on at 1250 and have the river drop, we ended up with flows holding steady around 1350cfs, I think this would be considered medium flows. Our plan was to take our time and enjoy being in the canyon as long as possible. Three groups passed us while we were on the river. The first came through with those wild eyes on a mission to get out quickly and be somewhere else, the next we juggled back and forth with as they spent time patching boats but a well planned day off allowed us to get behind them by a day. The final group came upon us while in Tehipiti Valley and only taking an extra long lunch on the Garlic Falls section allowed us to fall behind this group. You may be thinking "Wait, I thought to be a bad ass kayaker you have to bomb the run and be the first ones off the water, training for the green race everytime you paddle." Sure that's fun, but what are you missing?

Getting ready, practicing "HighFive!"

Bryce in front of the Inconsolable Range

LeConte Canyon

Product shot: I show off my Pyrahna Burn and Werner, Tim grabs his nuts, Broiler shots the bird. These are the photos that can get you free gear.

Some early mank

"Meet my right and my left"

As we appeared to the other groups kayaking the river, sitting on the bank in Arab fashion, although Tim is sporting more of the mammy look here


While the other group repaired their boats, we did this:

Where I got hammered in '05, which is just below where The Broiler was hammered this year, and right above where Helms and DeLa were hammered several years ago.

Some Class III in the Bottom 9
More Leisure Time

Previous high water trip in '05

Notice how much more sunny and happy this trip was...

Team Jib's exclusive California Highway Patrol escort into the fire zone... no shit, I'm serious.

Just like the Little Dutch boy at the dyke Bryce plugs the hole in the tire with his finger... The Broiler, with his hands on his head, wonders if the shizblarnigans will ever cease.

for a great summer read

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Mayhem Part I

All Hail Cron! The rains have returned!

May has proven to be one of the wettest months that the SE has seen in at least half a decade. The action started off with a skunking at Pocket Creek into a mission on a lesser run "jewel" known as Stone Coal Bank Creek. There was plenty of water, but only a short stretch of three point five uber-gnarly burlefesters. We chose to probe the first of said three and opted for the high line round the other two due to instantious decapitation consequences.

Here is Captain Kirk looking for the bottom

Caleb in flight

The next morning we returned to the greater Chattanooga area with Pocket Creek in mind once again, but The Bear was 16" and rising, so we decided to take the bird in hand. Putting on The Bear whilst it rains at 16" can be a Hair raising experience. The water finally caught up with us around Revelations, just in time for the hardest part of the run. You know it was scary when the cameras stay dry. Charge.

The next day it was back to Rock City for some more LLTrust action. We had an enormous group, but thanks to our previous days warm up, our ninja skills were already on the razor's edge.

Will Chargit Pruett

Howard Tidwell, West Prong Legend, forgot his lifejacket

If you're into evil you're a friend of mine

Cloudland Canyon has an incredible tractor beam on it at times. After a day off it was back to the Bear for a solid 15 incher. For reference I will send you to Paul's headcam footy posted previously...

Stairway sans paddler

Back to Chatty. Next day. Time for some bday margignar on downtown Signal Mtn. I've been thinking about this one since I heard tale of Ralphy's last decent. We got in there at around 1 foot, and it was not enough water. The kayaking in there is fringe. There are some really good drops and some really scary ones. Bring your nutsack. It needs a little cleaning and 4 -5 more inches of water before I go back. Trip highlight was definetly my subterranean swim out of 9mm. No one fired up Superman.
Rainbow Falls could be oh so good

Kirk and Caleb above Sierra

Caleb in the ultra tech seal line at Sierra Slide

Clay and his crew member

These drops would be awesome with more water

The week was rounded out by what my have been the "second successful descent" of the Trail Fork of Big Creek. Tony and Kirk put a good bit a of work into this one, and I'll be damned if they didn't finally find something worth a damn. Those who dare will be rewarded greatly by 500 ft/mile for two miles, if you can catch it. Stupid fun, but watch for wood.

Part I of the opening set "Ernesto"

Mikey's sickass mystery sequence

Penalty Box, low light, bad pocket hole